All the expletives to fit the post

I'm going to put out the positives of my run today before I go into my raw emotions.
I ran 13 miles before work, it didn't touch an ounce of my energy and I got my calorie burn back.

Stop reading now if you don't want to see me go into a little tantrum, as I'm not sure how this post will end yet.

We left off Tuesday, I was sick and convinced myself to rest an extra day. I stayed home from work on Wednesday, I was already falling asleep at 6:30pm Tuesday night and went to bed around 8:45pm. The kid was still sick and clung to me all day. I tried to go for a small jog in the afternoon as I started feeling better, but my daughter woke up from her nap in a mood and was not letting go of me. Okay, so I'm still resting all day. I also had to cancel physical therapy, as I didn't want to infect all of them and their equipment.

Thursday is my normal rest day, I use the gym during lunch to work on my core, arms, and such. I figured, a two day break will be good for my aches right?

Also I have to mention that I've had some constant tightness at the bottom of my calf that happens as I walk, slowly. If I am wearing work shoes, I feel like I am being tortured. So of course, I'm freaking out...but when I run, I don't step that same way and I feel better.

Now let's get to today..Did you ever have a run that was such complete garbage that nearly completely overwhelms your confidence and body? Like you have an instrument that is set waaay too tight, and if you play it too hard it will snap? That is where I felt this was going.

I had that run today. It hurt. I couldn't make any excuse. All I could do was worry and just try and make it home.

The Hanson Marathon Method called for 10 miles at marathon pace, add in warm up and cool down. I woke up at 3:25. I was out the door and started my run at 4:10am. First few blocks felt okay, but then I started feeling..off.

I felt light spasms in all the areas I have issues with, not a constant tightness, just like i'm getting shocked quickly. They subsided. The last time I took four days off, it took me a week to get my legs back. But two days.. I should be able to jump right back in...

I sped up to my pace and noticed something extra was off, my right inner thigh started getting tight..uncomfortably tight as I was in my normal pace. I backed off.. I couldn't really think of why this was happening? Because of the wind in my face? Because I missed a physical therapy appointment? Should I have done an easy run today and moved the hard run to tomorrow?

I was crashing, mentally and physically. I was hitting my 5 mile point and was about to call it quits. Thankfully it was dark so nobody could watch the disaster.

But I told myself, ****, I didn't wake up at 3:25 to do freaking 10 miles. I owe it to myself to at least do the miles, who knows, maybe once the wind is out of my face, I'll loosen up?

Sorry ladies, nope

My legs just got worse. All my problem areas got tight, I know my form was going to shit. My pace dropped horribly. And I knew that nobody cared, nobody will judge me, but I hated it. I felt defeated and worried. I desperately want to finish the marathon plan schedule. Now I don't even know if something else is wrong or I'm just flaring up..

I hobbled home, everything ended up hurting, every part of my body that PT said would hurt due to bad form did, and I knew I was running all sorts of bad today.

Where does that leave me now? Well sorta feeling like this:

I feel pent up, the two days rest stored up so much energy and the run was supposed to waste it, not my body. I want a redo. I would love to say how calm I am about this, I know it is just one run... But I'm trying to stay honest with my feelings and training. I'm not saying I believe I lost anything, I just don't like the uncertainty of things right now.

So the solution?

Stay honest with my Physical Therapist, hope they can help find the kinks.

This run is probably forcing my hand at a longer taper. Not with rest, but just doing my runs at an easy pace..Although I do want to do this run next Friday to see if I am any better.. Will I actually do this? Who knows..

I'd like to say tomorrow I'll feel new, maybe I will. But this is all the rage to fit the post.

If you made it this far..

Thanks